Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
