I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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