fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
