Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
