I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Will you blow on my dice?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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