You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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