It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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