Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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