I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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