Princesses don't give blow jobs
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
