I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
