Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
