I think I won the penis lottery.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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