theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
