I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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