she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
