at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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