the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
