i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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