The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
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