I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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