I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
