I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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