woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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