Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
