We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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