I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize