Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
