He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
