God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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