Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
