everyone is single if you try hard enough
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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