I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
