So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
