you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
