She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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