I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
