Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
