Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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