K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
