Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
