Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
don't judge my taste in strippers
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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