I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
