My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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