I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
