I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
