I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
