i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I can't trust your balls anymore.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize