It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize