I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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