got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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