Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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